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EA Sports Announces New Women's
Basketball Video Game *

Title to be no. 1 source for hardcore women's hoops gamers.

A Jon E. Miller Satire

After receiving more than twelve letters from rabid fans, EA Sports announced production of a new women's basketball video game, complete with errant passes, lackluster media coverage, and the new "Isomotion Turnover."

"As the leader in sports gaming, EA Sports is proud to announce a new women's college basketball game for 2005," said EA executive Nina Title. "Our new game promises to give you the best of women's basketball gameplay, including fully customizable airballs, missed lay-ups, and a sexual orientation toggle option."

Perhaps the most exciting new feature is the new Isomotion Turnover.

"The Isomotion Turnover will allow the player to turn over the ball in four different ways, depending on which direction they move the right analog stick," Title said. "We've included the dribble-off-the-knee, the step-out-of-bounds, the pass-to-the-broadcast table, and the ever dangerous trip-and-fall. It's the ultimate in women's hoops control."

Liz Phair has already signed on to use her "I Am Extraordinary" track as the theme song to the game. And Vern Lundquist has signed on to call the action, as well as give a highlight show at halftime of the men's basketball games. The game will also feature customizable body expressions, such as Geno Auriemma pit stains to the Pat Summitt "Man Face."

"EA feels that women's basketball is not women's basketball without the Summitt 'Man Face'," Title said. "Also look for authentic voice taunts, like 'Ah Ah, No You Didn't!' and 'Watch Da Weave, Biatch!"

EA has also included a deep dynasty mode. Each team will perform off-season fundraisers like carwashes and bake sales; a team's attendance is reflected in the "EA Hot Chick Recruiting Index," and extra money is given when a program is successful in eliminating men's wrestling and golf teams.

Look for the new game on major consoles next year. It has been tentatively named "NCAA Horseracing 2005."

*This story may not actually be, uh, true.

 

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