Suspended St. John's Basketball Players Recruited By Colorado
Infamous night with alleged prostitute no more than Buffs recruiting
A Jon Miller Joint
The Pittsburgh sex scandal that saw five St. John's
basketball players team kicked off the team for carousing with an alleged
prostitute after a night at a strip bar turned out to be nothing more than a
University of Colorado football recruiting trip, inside sources reported today.
"This was all just a big misunderstanding," said Colorado Head Coach Gary
Barnett. "Those are good kids, and they weren't hanging out at a strip joint
after a loss or partaking in some sex party. They were being recruited."
The alleged prostitute, Sherri Ann Urbanek-Bach, 38, claimed the Johnnies
brought her to a hotel room and raped her. Urbanek-Bach later confessed to
police that she fabricated her story out of anger that the Johnnies would not
pay her $1,000 to have sex with her.
"I've been to a lot of Colorado recruiting parties and never, never have I
been stiffed like that," said Urbanek-Bach, "Those guys have got to know that if
they want to see me 'In The Buff,' they've got to fork up the green stuff."
The players vehemently deny any wrongdoing with Urbanek-Bach, although they
do admit to not giving her any money.
"Bro, have you seen that breezy? She's heinous," said Elijah Ingram. "Have
you seen her mug shot, yo? Coach Barnett's got to do a lot better then that it
he wants to woo the Johnnies."
Barnett admitted that Urbanek-Bach was not his first choice to act as
ambassador of Colorado football.
"Well, to be honest, I didn't think we had a great chance to land any of
those players," Barnett said. "They're second tier recruits, so I sent them a
second tier prostit--uh, I mean recruiting specialist."
Urbanek-Bach is a stalwart Colorado alumna that met with the players at
Pittsburgh's Club Erotica, a long-standing tradition of Buffalo recruiting.
Sources reported that after several pole dances and Surfers On Acid,
Urbanek-Bach went back with the Johnnies to their hotel to continue her personal
Although the Johnnies no longer have a team to play for, none of the five
have yet to make any announcement to play football for Colorado. Ingram remained
"I'm just not sure about Colorado yet," said Ingram. "But I do know they have
a great tradition, including a BCS bowl, a trip to the conference title game,
and athletes that gather in hotel rooms with drunk women who want money for sex.
I think we'll fit right in."
In other news, Sherri Ann Urbanek-Bach received 97% NO at WouldYouHitThis.com.